A few years ago, I was married and had disposable income and I treated myself to things. I got my hair cut and/or colored monthly, I got massages regularly, I took MMA classes (hey, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure!) I traveled… It was then that I started a birthday ritual to combat the depression of disappointment when none of my friends, family or husbands did anything to celebrate my birthday. I did THE thing I loved the most to do on my birthday – spa time!

It started with a gift certificate for a day at the spa that #2 (that’s my 2nd ex-husband) got me which included a manicure, pedicure, facial, massage and haircut. Did you ladies just do the math on that? That’s 5 hours of service, plus the half hour in between each service til I was set up in the next service. HOLY CRAP 8 HOURS IS A LONG TIME TO SPEND AT A SALON/SPA! If it weren’t for all the caddy chatter between salon people I got to listen to, the chick mags that gave me 101 lists of the top 10 reasons my tits were too big, my hair the wrong color, food that was going to kill me, and ways to attempt anal sex for the first time probably would have driven me batshit insane. Still, I was glad to have done it – it was something I had dreamt of for a long time and now I knew that even the best ideas have limits, a point where it just isn’t as exciting as you had imagined it. Kinda like anal sex… but I digress!

So, I got smarter for the next year. I didn’t need ALL the services of a full day, I just picked the stuff I liked the most.

Full body massage definitely – What woman doesn’t like another human being touching every inch of her body and NOT going all sexual with hard penetrating things? Plus, I had a girl crush on the cutie pie that did my massages. Massage was definitely the first thing on the list.

Facial – well, you get your face massaged when you’re getting the full body so… except for all the exfoliating and blackhead removing, it’s kind of the same thing so… scratch the facial.

Manicure – waste of time in my world. My nails are teeny tiny – I mean, they’re size appropriate for my fingers but they’re small! And thin! Add to it that I’m a first class clutz with my hands and well… a manicure is a waste of time, chemicals and frustration when 2 hours later I get my first chip.

Pedicure – definitely. I’m hard on my feet, standing on them for hours at a time, but even *I* can appreciate how much prettier toes are when they’ve got a shiny coat of dark red on them. They look kinda sexy! Just inviting someone to suck on them.

Hair cut – never miss an opportunity for a haircut. Since I was 14 and dyed my hair jet black and shaved the sides, I have been semi-obsessed with my hair. I get bored with length and color and want to try new things. Of course, looking back at pictures from over the years, it seems I really like the same thing over and over but need to try something different from time to time to keep it fresh and interesting. I feel like there’s a statement about my life here…

Haircut + pedicure + massage = the PERFECT birthday

I didn’t have to count on anyone else to do anything for me, I didn’t have to talk to anyone, everyone came to me and I was always SOOOOO relaxed when it was over. And then I threw in dancing, my other most favorite thing to do, totally undoing all the relaxation but it was MY perfect day!

Disposable income is a thing of the past now, for the most part. But those were some GREAT birthdays!